Naomie Christensen: Melancholy Summer

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Melancholy Summer

This summer is dark and full of melancholy. The sun is shining and flowers are in bloom. Birds are singing. I have been deep in thought and going back to a regular forty hour a week work schedule.

It was a good run for developing a website for artistic expression. It was not easy to connect with the public. When starting this journey a few years ago, I needed a better platform for self expression. When starting a few years ago, my websites must pay well enough to cover my personal expenses or I would go back to office work.

The date was set for 2014. I reset it to 2013. Frequently focusing on tasks, it is difficult changing directions when doing something and anticipating a good turn of events. There is always hope for next month. There is activity on my sites. It is improving. Setting going back to a regular job was good, I have another office job.

I feel regrets. I see people getting angry with anonymous people. They are telling them about how to live life. Grief is awkward. When someone is tactfully telling or yelling about what you should do, it is uncomfortable. A consolation, they are talking about themselves. It is still unnerving.

I have been harboring unspoken yelling at other people. It was good when realizing there is a problem in my life and taking my advice.

Having few problems with debt, I had a car and went to work at eighteen. I was in choir and did some modeling as a teen. It was preparation; however, I was not good with criticism. I was never rude. I experienced a lack of interest in exhibitionism. Older, criticism is a sign of many things. It might be inadequacy or jealousy. I witness people yelling at themselves through a vessel which is me.

Going back to work, I spend most of my time on the computer as a Blogger. The difference is sitting on my bed with a roll of blankets supporting my laptop or sitting at a desk in front of a computer screen. Not much has changed. Everything feels different.

I feel good. I sometimes wonder if a Coworker is insinuating that they read my blogs. I feel indifferent. Yesterday was difficult. I felt panic attacks from the beginning of my shift until the end of the day. It is easier to find reasons to avoid socializing. Social awkwardness is normal for me. I usually make Acquaintances in training and avoid confrontation. I could talk more and probably should. It is difficult opening up and talking about whatever.

I will continue writing and making videos. I am not going to let go of everything. It was a long time of effort to make something. My goals are changing. I am thinking about perfect attendance and promotions. Continuing life as it was before, it is a transition. I am prepared.

I feel dull. There is still more to do. I have another thing to work on in the morning or evening. It is taking awhile to get used to everything.

I feel guilty. It took a lot of time. There is potential to achieving other goals of becoming a, well paid, Professional Artist with a small business. Hope is in abundance. I feel guilty about all the time, thoughts and sometimes financial assistance. The reward was not as perfect. I have bills to pay.

I thought many misguided thoughts about others. Having time without debts, I know how to maintain a budget and take shortcomings in stride. I did not overextend patrons beyond what I need. However, everything given to me was something not used on themselves. I must pay back money and goodwill.

It will be two or three years of working at a job other people want to have. Unlike many people starting to do this in college, I have a college degree. I went to college when it was appropriate. They are younger. There is time to adjust life plans according to importance. Of the many people promoting the rewards of careers in freelancing, I am not a huge factor. I still feel guilt.

It is time to focus on balancing the scales. A dream might never be realized. There is no reason life should be less adequate. It will take time. At least I know about owing and keeping track of those who help me.

It is good thinking of my future and the futures of others. There were many achievements. I would like to personally mentor people and become a Patron of the Arts. It will be awhile. Instead, the Community is finding New Champions and Leaders. I went to a corporate gaming event earlier in the year. As a Performer in previous year, there is a Crew. They have a Leader. It is a job for them. I felt alienated.

Letting go, there were many good things that happened and helped people. There is nothing to feel bad about. It is going along and better than doing nothing. Simply letting life happen, it is a surrender. We might walk happily to our deaths and never suffer through feeling uncertain about life choices. The consequence is death. With death, there is an end to our lives. We can never speak. People remembering us speak about the past and begin a new plan to avoid death.

Those who never question is a phrase. A phrase that is a lie. We always question and wonder what will happen. We can place all of our effort into something. It was a good idea. The activities around gaining success crumble away. With every step, we undo what we want to accomplish. The ground sinking beneath us. Each step is increasingly difficult. We do not know if we will sink, become stuck or run to solid ground.

I feel almost the same as before starting this journey. There is always hope. Hope is the guiding light of all futures. Seriously, though apprehensive and needing to reorganize everything in a few months, everything will be easy. There will be time to do everything and time to make a adjustments. Time to enjoy the summer, next summer.

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